Quantum Hitler

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A quickie showing what might’ve happened if Hitler had been replaced by an alternate Hitler who was a little more Quantum…

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In 2247, a secret science experiment conducted in the desert near Almeria, Spain created a quantum rip in the space quantum continuum and the Hitler from an alternative 1923 found himself face to face with the Hitler from the 1923 we know of.

Despite identical faces and the vortex above their heads, they didn’t shoot each other.

‘Are we the same?’ Quantum Hitler asked, dusting off his jacket.

‘Maybe.’

‘What year is it?’

‘1923.’

‘What are you doing?’

‘Planning a putsch.’

‘A putsch? No, wait, you can’t. I just stopped…’

‘It’ll be glorious.’

‘…that.’

Quantum Hitler moved in with his twin and tried for many months to talk him out of his putsch.

It was not easy.

‘Don’t do it, Ado…it’s completely unnecessary.’

‘It’s not.’

‘You’ll be arrested.’

‘I’ll be a martyr.’

‘No, not killed, arrested. They’ll put you in prison and everyone will forget about you.’

‘I’ll be a prison martyr.’

‘No…look, this isn’t…it’s not the right thing to do. There are better ways to…’

‘I’m doing it.’

‘But…why?’

‘To save my country.’

‘From who?’

‘Them. The Jews. The Weimar Republic. Anyone who accepted this disgrace.’

‘Are you mad…how is any of this gonna save the country?’

‘Simple. We do the putsch and…the Govt falls, Jews die, things get better, stricter, more Jews die…’

‘Are you sure…’

‘…and Germany gets strong again.’

‘No, it won’t…that won’t happen. Or it might happen, but it won’t be good. [Pause] Look, if you do this, it could seriously lead to another…’

‘It’s destiny, brother.’

‘…war.’

Our Hitler went through with the Putsch and ended up in prison. Despite his aversion to costumes, Quantum Hitler dressed up as an old woman and visited our Hitler in prison, trying one last time to talk him round.

‘No.’

‘You’re in prison. You’re stuck.’

‘It’s unimportant.’

‘But…’

‘Everything is going to plan. People are talking, the Govt. is weakening…even the Jews are starting to shake.’

‘No, they’re…’

‘One more year and I’ll be out of here.’

‘Ado…’

‘A prison martyr, a war hero…’

‘You can’t…’

‘It’s almost like it was meant to happen this way.’

Quantum Hitler dropped his head and muttered something about ‘intransigence’.*

Later that afternoon, he put on a guard costume, sneaked into his twin’s cell and garrotted him as he sat at his desk writing that piece of shit ‘My K****.’

Quantum Hitler buried our Hitler in the cell and took his place.

But History did not change. The Quantum rip in the space quantum continuum closed back up and Quantum Hitler was dragged back into his own [better] reality. Before he went, he managed to write one word on the pages of ‘My K****’.

‘Don’t.’

Our Hitler came back to life as if nothing had happened and continued with his existence. The word ‘don’t’ vanished into the quantum void of non-actions. Things returned to normal.

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* If ‘intransigence’ is the wrong word, sub in ‘implacable’

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