Star Trek Beyond


It starts with Klingons cos you’ve gotta put them in somewhere and there’s no room in the rest of the film so that’s where they are, in the first seven minutes, and


…the Enterprise is flying at warp 10 out of Klingon space, chased by three birds of prey, each one captained by Kang, Koloth and Kur [sic for all 3], and they’re almost out of petrol and their ship’s taken a pummelling and


…it looks like this is it, this is the end before it’s even begun, and the computer confirms it, saying hull integrity at 0%, and Sulu saying, Captain, one more hit and we’re dust, and Kirk looks at Spock and Spock looks at Kirk and McCoy sandwiches himself between both of them and


…the three Klingon ships hang back and wait for the moment to stretch and then when it’s stretched to breaking point, Kang says fire and a torpedo leaves the ship and heads in a zig zag line to the hull of the Enterprise which still has zero integrity and


Kirk waits until the torpedo is almost on top of them or under them then clenches his fist and says

now, Spock!

but it’s no good, Spock is the science officer not the gunner, so

Kirk has to say now, you, and point to

the extra who could be a star in 5 years, but right now is

nothing compared to Chris Pine so

the extra doesn’t speak, he fires

and the deflector shield activates and sends some

green energy at the torpedo and

thanks to Kip Pardue and his 20 years of Physics study

the torpedo is picked up and redirected back at

the Klingon bird of prey and before Kang can

charge up his own deflector shield

the torpedo hits their hull and the ship flips sideways

knocking the other two ships into another part of space

with a planet nearby so there’s some visual

frame of reference and

they don’t explode, cos those guys are canon and

canon never dies, it just sits in the corner

and waits like an elderly racist

for nothing to change

cos if anything changes, we’re all

doomed and


Kirk is looking at the three Klingon ships on the viewscreen and

Spock is standing behind him like a bully’s sidekick and


McCoy is not there anymore, he’s back in Sickbay, watching re-runs of old Trek, specifically the ones where he beamed down in the Spock-Kirk-McCoy triumvirate and scanned shit and the scene with Khan where he told him to cut his throat or don’t cos he’s got some medical exams to mark, and he thinks to himself, man, I’m so happy I am where I am now and not where I was in the 60’s cos back then I had to say I was an escalator but now things are more regular and sanitised and without personality so we can all speak like the guys who grew up on the Paramount lot and became the keymasters  somehow, and at least this way I can have enough time to go to the gym and learn Cantonese and watch that thing with the horse and the Russian girl, if I still have the link, do I? I can’t remember, I think I saved it, I hope I did cos it was a bitch to search for and if I have to go through that again I probably just won’t bother, ah well, there’s always the ‘Asian mum fucks son’ vid that Checkov linked me to


Uhura lies on her bed with an English to Romulan dictionary and the dread image in her head of one day actually bumping into a Romulan and attempting to translate whatever bigoted shit he or she is coming out with even though she doesn’t really know anything of the language, yup, she lied on her entrance exams, everyone did, cos Romulan words are fucking tough to say and it would take at least 5 years to get to intermediate and Starfleet was only a 3 year course so realistically no one could have enough time to get to that level, but that was okay, they had the universal translator anyway, and that never fails, never, it never fails, never ever never…

There’s a knock on the door and one of the writers [young, male] comes in and gives her the new version of the script.

Uhura reads the scene she’s in, puts the script down, mutters something in Spanish then takes off her skirt and t-shirt.

‘Stretch, Uhura…’ says the director.


‘You’re tired, it’s been a long day…’


Uhura stretches her arms.

‘Legs are feeling tight too…’


‘Don’t wanna get cramp…’

‘But I’ve got no knickers on.’

‘It’s neo-realism.’

‘Isn’t this a kids film?’

‘Stretch them out…all the way…’


‘That’s it…’

Uhura stretches out like a starfish.

The cameraman, the director, the writer and the all-male crew linger for a few minutes then


Kirk sits in the Captain’s room and looks at the data

data that is implied and unexplained

and Spock knocks on the door and


door opens

and Spock walks in and says

it’s already twenty minutes in


and no zoomy camera work since the Klingon

scene which btw

I’ve decided to write a report on

yup, it’s already done, look

Spock hands Kirk the report and we see a bit of it over the shoulder:

Klingons are chavs, we should draw a line around their space and build a wall, ignore all e-mails and ambassadors, order heeled boots to counter their own heeled boots, I don’t believe they are really that tall, and they’re not that…

Kirk nods and says, hey, Starfleet says there’s not much going on right now so we can just kind of drift for a while, go to that sex planet or something, what do you think?

‘I advise against sex planets, Captain.’


‘Disease, extroverts, melodrama.’

You’re right, let’s skip it. Explore something instead.’

Spock leaves the room, excited that his good friend Jim was finally listening to him and maybe if it continued this way he could tell him about his plans to cancel movie night and head to that nebula with all the signals that spun in circles instead of rectangles and

Hi Spock

He turned and oh look, it’s Uhura, my ex, wow she looks old, he thought but he didn’t say it cos she was quite fierce and it didn’t matter much anyway as she wouldn’t be in the plot for long, not if she wasn’t fucking him on the side, so he could just say hi back and…

The ship shook violently.

Spock asked if they were being attacked and Uhura said no, the ship’s just turning round, probably heading back towards the sex planet they just passed, and hey, wasn’t it my job to ask questions and your job to know answers?

Spock blanked her and ran to the bridge via engineering and there was Scotty,

oh hi, Scotty, how’s the warp core

and by the time he makes it to the bridge things are back in present tense and Kirk is slouching in his chair, flicking through pics of Winona Ryder on the viewscreen, stopping on one where you can almost see her nipple but not quite and

Captain, what are you doing?

says Spock

but there’s no time to answer as the Enterprise is suddenly attacked by little bits of metal which rough it up without hurting the warp core and drag it over to a nearby planet where gravity is insanely strong and before you can say Malcolm McDowell, the ship is crashing on the surface and the surviving crew are stumbling out of the wreckage with a few paper cuts and looking around and saying, what is this place, is that oxygen, are those rocks, and Spock says, yes to all three, but apart from that, this is completely alien and like nothing any of us have ever seen before, except maybe Sulu, he was in an episode of Voyager once, isn’t that right, Sulu?

Who’s that?


That girl?

Girl? says Kirk, turning fast.

That girl…kinda hard to see, but it looks like she’s been spray-painted white. Oh, shit, she’s leaping this way, hitting people…

Well, that’s just typical, says McCoy, crawling out of sickbay

clutching the nurse doll they gave him to save cash on extras

that’s just fucking typical

but the spray painted lady doesn’t care, she’s still leaping around, punching people, punching rocks, trying to escape from the fucker with the camera who keeps ducking down and pointing it at her tits, and then she runs into Kirk who backhands her into Alice Eve

‘oh hi, Alice Eve,’ says Kirk, ‘how’s botany?’

‘hey, asshole, I’m not a bota-…’

but before she can finish Alice Eve is knocked off the side of a cliff by

the spray painted lady and

Kirk watches her fall and shakes his cheeks a little to show that

someone he once saw naked is dead and

he’s gonna avenge her death by

either fighting or fucking her killer and then

hatching a plot and

getting promoted and

calling Spock human and

giving McCoy a handjob and

hitting people in make-up and



chasing Idris Elba around an exploding space station before he can activate the giant fans to suck the particles out of the solar system which won’t affect Earth but might cause a bit of smog on the Klingon colony nearby, which could lead to cancer late in life for any Klingons who aren’t killed in battle or mining accidents or


Idris Elba sits in a chair, reading scripts for better films, having just enough makeup slapped on to make his name in the credits irrelevant.

F Murray Abraham is sitting next to him, muttering ‘I told you so.’

‘Relax, F, I’m only doing it for my kids.’

But F can’t relax because he was Salieri once and Salieri wouldn’t have relaxed, he would’ve put on a mask and felt at least five different things in the same scene before getting on his horse and riding to Tom Hulce’s house and forcing Tom Hulce to put on the costume again, and if he said no, if that little fucker said no, he’d…

‘Look, you’re treading on my dreams, F

so fuck off’

says Idris Elba, now in character and ready to give his speech to Kirk about the giant fans and the particle sucking and how inefficient Klingon social welfare is and it isn’t his fault, he has to do this, it’s the only plot they could think of that has an endgame, and there’s no way they can let this thing run any further than one movie, that wouldn’t make sense

so that’s what I want to say, Kirk, okay

push the frontier and the frontier pushes back

yeah I said frontier

I’ve been studying your language and your history for years


Idris Elba in a huge library, looking at a book, surrounding by other books, repeating the phrase ‘the hotel is opposite the bank’ over and over.


Believe it,

for years my friend, so I know everything about you and

I’m using your own words

cos all aliens fret over what the humans are doing

not their own culture

or their own values

it’s all about you, I don’t know why

maybe cos your TV shows  were too damn good in the late 90’s

maybe it’s cos of Tony Soprano

and Star Wars

I don’t know


sorry, I shouldn’t have said that

the other ‘star’ show, I mean

it’s not the same thing

the science don’t make sense, aliens have no definable culture etc etc

but yeah

I’m representing the frontier

I’m pushing back

via a POW camp and


stop exploring our space, taking our oil, building English centres

You’re a twat

I hate you

now go mingle with the other POWs while I

bury F Murray Abraham

behind my trailer

you got a shovel?


Kirk and Spock walking around the POW camp, plotting a way out, fighting aggressive aliens, nodding at the rest of the crew, Kirk growling at the spray painted alien woman, drawing lines in the sand, pointing at rocks, Kirk fighting the spray-painted woman, talking to the spray-painted woman, drinking with the spray-painted woman, fucking the spray-painted woman behind the rocks, McCoy arguing with Spock, McCoy fucking Spock, Spock fucking Uhura, Uhura fisting Spock, Sulu fisting Kirk, Scotty reading a book, Chekov saying montages are a Russian thing and being correct for once, Kirk tied up by the other aliens, Kirk standing on a rock on trial for the rape of the spray painted alien woman, it was consensual, consensual, I swear, one of the aliens using a little rock as a hammer, Kirk locked in a cage with a sign around his neck that says ‘rapist’, Spock creeping up on the guards, neck-pinching them, breaking Kirk out, running behind some rocks, saying it’s okay, they’re clear, McCoy joining them, Kirk, McCoy and Spock fucking each other behind the rocks, McCoy calling himself an escalator, the three of them smoking, Kirk and Spock sitting on rocks, Kirk and Spock plotting a way out of this mess, the prisoners sitting in a circle watching Caligula, Kirk walking into the circle and not apologising, Kirk saying he’s the only way out of this thing, the Spray painted woman insisting on justice, Kirk challenging justice, Spray painted alien woman saying she’s gay so it wasn’t consensual, Spock pushing her off a cliff, Spock saying it’s for the greater good, the female members of the camp staring in silence, Spock pushing a few more women off the cliff, the female members of the camp staring in terrified silence, Spock dragging another woman to the edge of the cliff, Kirk telling him to stop, this is not justice, Spock reluctantly agreeing, McCoy slapping them both on the shoulder and saying, good men, behind the rocks, five minutes, Kirk and Spock laughing, Kirk and Spock and McCoy smoking cigarettes behind the rocks, the three of them singing Viking songs, Sulu and Uhura and Chekov approaching them and saying, guys, we’re not comfortable with the morality of this film, Kirk telling them to trust him, Sulu shrugging, Uhura glaring, Chekov saying that trust is a Russian thing and if they don’t do it then they’ll be stuck in this montage forever, so let’s forget about Kirk raping people and Spock pushing women off a cliff cos all that shit will reset at the end of the film so basically it never happened and if it did happen then it happened for a reason and if it didn’t happen for a reason then we can say we’re morally complex and if people still don’t like it then they can go fuck themselves.

The Montage ends


Kirk and Spock walk around the camp and nod at whoever’s left after their rampage. They see a female in a Captain’s uniform.

What’s your name, lady?’ asks Kirk.


‘Do you think we’ll ever get out of here, Janeway?’

Janeway nods and stares at the camera. ‘I’ve been in bigger holes.’

‘For example?’

‘Borg. Little guy from Seinfeld. Head chef dating a two year old alien girl.’

Kirk walks on and meets a guy with no hair called Sisko.

‘Hey man, I really don’t know if we’re gonna get out of this…’

Sisko stares at the camera and says, slowly, ‘you’ve gotta have faith.’

‘Faith in what?’

‘I don’t know. Wormhole spirits. Picard’s over there.’

Kirk walks to Picard and asks him if they should just let Idris Elba turn on his big particle fans and see what happens.

‘When I was a schoolboy, there was something I was taught. Everything is linked. When the first link is broken, we’re all damaged. When we’re all damaged, it’s really bad. When it’s really bad, it means the chain is broken. Who broke the chain? I don’t know. F Murray Abraham? Perhaps. No one’s seen him in days. Where are we again? Is Ian here?’

Kirk walks away and sees Scott Bakula sitting on his own in a corner…or near a rock, there are no corners, not really…he walks up to him and says, Vulcan jumpsuit woman, where is she?

‘Erotic thrillers.’


‘Fatal lust. Passion Cop. Fuck City.’


‘Got ’em, Jim.’


The writing room door is coming off its hinges as Idris Elba bangs it down with a big branch stolen from a nearby playground and the writers are huddling together under the desk with the crayons on and they’re trying to stay positive, trying to paint things in a flowery way, but it’s tough cos they’ve grown up in safe places and no one’s ever broken a door before

not even their cousins who grew up in Oakland

but this Elba guy

he was nuts and

his accent was weird and

for some reason he

wasn’t buying this giant particle fan storyline they’d stolen

from one of the other Trek films

or the POW camp thing

probably cos it made no real sense

why didn’t he just kill them

instead of filming them fuck each other and push women

off a cliff?

The door gave way and Idris Elba strode in asking them 1] if they’d found a way to cut down the make-up time yet and 2] why they hated women

and one of the writers remembers the scene from

a Seth Green movie where Seth had somehow found the courage to stand up to the guys pointing guns at him and

keeping the image of Seth Green in his head he

stands up and jabs a finger into Idris Elba’s chest and says


you’re right

they hate women

I tried to stop the cliff scene but

they hate women

so does Seth Green

have you seen Idle Hands

I have five kids to feed

look into your heart

we’ll give you a pay rise



Idris Elba puts the shovel down and lights a cigarette.

A man in a suit appears from behind Elba’s trailer and asks how the film is going and if the particle fan scene has been shot yet and Idris Elba says nothing, just smokes the cigarette and stares at the grave he’s dug.

‘Err…Idris?’ The man in the suit looks at the shovel. ‘Are you okay?

Idris finishes his cigarette and stubs it out on the dirt.

‘Star Trek 4…at least 50% female writing team…got it?’


‘And find a role for my friend.’


‘He’s an actor too.’

‘I don’t…’




Kirk and Spock and the rest of the crew have escaped the camp and are waiting for the shuttle bus to come and take them to Idris Elba’s space station so Kirk can shoot him 16 times and say, it’s fine, I feared for my life, he was still moving after 15, I’m the captain, you can’t touch me, but the shuttle bus isn’t coming and the crew is starting to get restless as they haven’t done anything for twelve minutes and the camera guy hasn’t said cut and the scene is this close to becoming a painting and no one wants to watch sci fi paintings, but

what can they do

the shuttle bus isn’t there

and without a bus they can’t move anywhere

and no

the enterprise is just a prop

it doesn’t actually move

so if the shuttle bus doesn’t come soon then they’ll just have to do what they do best

which is general misogyny and

violence and

fucking behind the rocks

‘Hey Captain,’ says Uhura, throwing a pebble at Chekov’s head, ‘how did you beat the Kobimaru test?’

‘The what?’

‘The Kobimaru test…’

‘Oh that.’

‘Yeah, how did you beat it?’

‘No idea.’ Kirk looks at the man in glasses sitting behind him, holding a script with the words ‘Prometheus 2’ written on it. ‘Damon?’

‘Don’t know, don’t care.’

‘There’s your answer, kids.’ Kirk looks around. ‘Hey, where did that spray-painted bint get to?’

‘God,’ says Uhura, turning to Sulu. ‘This movie’s disgusting.’


‘Don’t you care?’

‘Not really. No one even knows I’m here.’


‘Three months filming, four lines.’

‘Don’t worry,’ says Kirk, leaning over and stroking her shoulder. ‘When the shuttle bus gets here we can go in the back, put a curtain up and…’


‘You too Chekov.’

‘I hate rocks,’ says McCoy, looking at rocks.

The whole lot of them go back to sitting and waiting and sweating. Spock checks under his armpits and mumbles something.

Minutes pass.

There’s a whistling sound.

It gets louder and louder

and louder


Alice Eve’s body drops onto the ground in front of them

followed by Winona Ryder’s

both bloodless

and naked.

‘Mummy,’ says Spock, blank as a Romanian.


Michael Dorn sits with his mobile phone on the table in front of him, surrounded by an apartment that is as bland as it is rectangular, mumbling almost inaudibly, ‘they’re gonna call, they’re gonna call, they’re gonna call…’

Outside it’s raining.

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