‘No…we won’t hunt them. We’ll set a trap and let them come to us.’
‘But, isn’t that what you always do?’
‘Perhaps you should try to go against your typical instincts, make yourself harder to predict.’
‘No…I don’t like that idea.’
‘Dressing up as an Afghani cattle herder and stapling leaves to my dick would be unpredictable, but it wouldn’t do much good, would it?’
‘A reasonable example…’
‘Do you know who the murderer is?’
‘Possibly. I’ve narrowed it down to Provane, the lesbian doctor, the two guys I can’t remember the name of, the blonde woman, the all-over beard guy who Callie said demanded a nose job, Callie, Blake, you, or the pilot.’
‘So you don’t know?’
‘No idea. But when I do find out I’ll pretend that I knew all along.’
‘Fantastic. Now what about this remote control?’
‘No worries, we’ll fix your ship and you can get it back by the end of the year.’
‘That’s too late, our farmers will have been retrained as IT consultants by then.’
Blake strokes his perm.
‘Did you hear what I said?’ repeats the captain. ‘IT consultants…’
Servelan sits on the couch, stroking the arms of a young officer who looks very much like the old one.
‘…and then I poisoned the whole team and adopted the mascot. He was young and supple. Shame about the brain.’
‘Not very bright?’
Servelan shook her head. ‘No, no. Big Clement Atlee fan. Eugene Debs. Shirley Chisolm. Etc etc.’
‘I despise Clement Atlee.’
‘Of course you do.’
‘My mum died because of him.’
‘Got hit by a bus with an NHS ad on it.’
‘He was truly a monster.’
Dozens of flaky ewoks surround a quarantine tube/alien lab and demand a seat at the table.
The recently de-thawed cousin of Gary Numan pops out of the lab and asks for a written list of their demands.
One ewok steps forward and says ‘healthc-…’
RDCGN murders him with a Klingon pain stick before he can finish his line. The other flaky ewoks go nuts and start throwing stones at the lab. They know what the producers know, that extras only get paid by line, and technically the murdered ewok never got his line out, and if they’ll do that to him, they’ll do it to all of them.
‘Avon nods and starts heading to the cocktail couch, but Blake can’t contain his revolutionary fervour, how could he, he’s based on Zapata and Zapata preferred to walk into an ambush instead of prop up his local village bar.
‘‘Okay, how about we find a nearby Federation base, locate an area that resembles Surrey, run around a power plant, pretend it’s a communications relay hub, and blow up a single computer, maybe a printer too, time permitting?’
Avon goes back to his console and says, fool, we’ll probably die if we do that.
‘We’ll all die someday.’
‘I’d prefer to die like an elderly Japanese woman.’
Brian Blessed roars and tells his hulking servant to take Blake back to the dungeon and give him time and space to win over the others. The hulking servant nods, asking if he will soon be rewarded with a promotion as he’s been sharpening knives in the dungeon for seven years and he could clearly take the cult over by force if he wanted to, but he hasn’t cos then someone more hulking than him could come off the next prison ship and do the same to him, and he wouldn’t have any logical way to defend his own coup and logic is important to him, or the script says it’s important to him, or it did initially, now it’s changed, it just says, hulking cult member obeys cos he’s intimidated by Brian Blessed, intimidated? The guy’s just loud, can’t beat someone up with your voice.
‘So you’re Blake,’ says Raeker, slouching down on one of the vacated seats.
‘Yes, I’m Blake. Sir.’
‘Quite a fall…a rebel leader of men to molesting children.’
‘She was 17…’
Raeker coughs. Blake does ‘ahhh’ face.
‘It’s fiction. I never molested anyone. Sir.’
A guard arrived and shoved them onto the spaceship.
‘Wait, where’s my lawyer?’ screamed Blake, loud enough to get himself restrained.
‘He’s been arrested.’
‘He sexually assaulted the actress who played his girlfriend.’
‘Krist, is she okay?’
‘She’s in the recovery room, surrounded by men.’
‘Follow sandy occultists on twitter
Break into sewage plant
Send Callie to the sex moon don’t let her invent things
Cover with tits.’