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It starts with Klingons cos you’ve gotta put them in somewhere and there’s no room in the rest of the film so that’s where they are, in the first seven minutes, and
ZOOM IN
…the Enterprise is flying at warp 10 out of Klingon space, chased by three birds of prey, each one captained by Kang, Koloth and Kur [sic for all 3], and they’re almost out of petrol and their ship’s taken a pummelling and
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
…it looks like this is it, this is the end before it’s even begun, and the computer confirms it, saying hull integrity at 0%, and Sulu saying, Captain, one more hit and we’re dust, and Kirk looks at Spock and Spock looks at Kirk and McCoy sandwiches himself between both of them and
ZOOM OUT
…the three Klingon ships hang back and wait for the moment to stretch and then when it’s stretched to breaking point, Kang says fire and a torpedo leaves the ship and heads in a zig zag line to the hull of the Enterprise which still has zero integrity and
CLOSE UP – KIRK’S FACE
Kirk waits until the torpedo is almost on top of them or under them then clenches his fist and says
now, Spock!
but it’s no good, Spock is the science officer not the gunner, so
Kirk has to say now, you, and point to
the extra who could be a star in 5 years, but right now is
nothing compared to Chris Pine so
the extra doesn’t speak, he fires
and the deflector shield activates and sends some
green energy at the torpedo and
thanks to Kip Pardue and his 20 years of Physics study
the torpedo is picked up and redirected back at
the Klingon bird of prey and before Kang can
charge up his own deflector shield
the torpedo hits their hull and the ship flips sideways
knocking the other two ships into another part of space
with a planet nearby so there’s some visual
frame of reference and
they don’t explode, cos those guys are canon and
canon never dies, it just sits in the corner
and waits like an elderly racist
for nothing to change
cos if anything changes, we’re all
doomed and
CUT TO – ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
Kirk is looking at the three Klingon ships on the viewscreen and
Spock is standing behind him like a bully’s sidekick and Continue reading