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It starts with Klingons cos you’ve gotta put them in somewhere and there’s no room in the rest of the film so that’s where they are, in the first seven minutes, and

ZOOM IN

…the Enterprise is flying at warp 10 out of Klingon space, chased by three birds of prey, each one captained by Kang, Koloth and Kur [sic for all 3], and they’re almost out of petrol and their ship’s taken a pummelling and

INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

…it looks like this is it, this is the end before it’s even begun, and the computer confirms it, saying hull integrity at 0%, and Sulu saying, Captain, one more hit and we’re dust, and Kirk looks at Spock and Spock looks at Kirk and McCoy sandwiches himself between both of them and

ZOOM OUT

…the three Klingon ships hang back and wait for the moment to stretch and then when it’s stretched to breaking point, Kang says fire and a torpedo leaves the ship and heads in a zig zag line to the hull of the Enterprise which still has zero integrity and

CLOSE UP – KIRK’S FACE

Kirk waits until the torpedo is almost on top of them or under them then clenches his fist and says

now, Spock!

but it’s no good, Spock is the science officer not the gunner, so

Kirk has to say now, you, and point to

the extra who could be a star in 5 years, but right now is

nothing compared to Chris Pine so

the extra doesn’t speak, he fires

and the deflector shield activates and sends some

green energy at the torpedo and

thanks to Kip Pardue and his 20 years of Physics study

the torpedo is picked up and redirected back at

the Klingon bird of prey and before Kang can

charge up his own deflector shield

the torpedo hits their hull and the ship flips sideways

knocking the other two ships into another part of space

with a planet nearby so there’s some visual

frame of reference and

they don’t explode, cos those guys are canon and

canon never dies, it just sits in the corner

and waits like an elderly racist

for nothing to change

cos if anything changes, we’re all

doomed and

CUT TO – ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

Kirk is looking at the three Klingon ships on the viewscreen and

Spock is standing behind him like a bully’s sidekick and Continue reading →