Biography of Chan Kong Sang, Jackie [1954-2628]


Jackie Chan was born in 1954 in Kowloon, Hong Kong. The night he was delivered, a UFO was spotted over the hills near Choi Hung. The weather observatory later issued a statement, saying simply: ‘it wasn’t a UFO, it was a concentrated collection of mist particles.’ The claim was debated fiercely for about five days until it was replaced by the story of a local actress having “a meeting” with a studio boss in public toilets near Tin Hau.

Jackie’s family did not have much money, so he spent most of his childhood with his arms inside his t-shirt, begging for coins. As soon as he could make a sentence, he was given a script to say to passers-by:

To women: ‘Mummy…’

To men: ‘I don’t need any help, I’m a man.’

To scientists: ‘Whatever you need, I’m in.’

   When he was eight years old, his father sent him to a [cheap] kung-fu school so he could learn how to beat people up in an aesthetically pleasing way. It wasn’t well-known, but the school was funded by a gang from Tai Po. The master [‘Brother Power’] taught the kids how to stand on one leg and fend off large groups with only a stick…then used the same stick to beat students who gave him shit. Jackie had such a good time at the kung-fu school that he remained there for the next seventeen years.

   Jackie never had time for University. In fact, Brother Power told him it was pointless to go there as tuition fees were so high and all the poor students were tagged and put in the stupid corner, and besides, he didn’t need education, not when he could earn a living from kicking people in tournaments.

Despite this lack of education, Jackie developed a keen interest in science and politics, even going so far as to write down forty pages of his own theory, detailing the ways in which science and socialism could mix for the betterment of mankind.

While writing the forty-first page, Jackie was interrupted by Brother Power. The master saw the title and asked his least favourite student what socialism had to do with anything, especially them.

‘Well,’ said Jackie, ‘to me it’s the way the world should be…’

‘Bullshit,’ said Brother Power. Continue reading