Yat bun vs yat bun vs yat bun/Geronimo Stilton in Space/ Star Trek

No matter how far I get in fluency and vocab, it always comes down to words like yat bun. If you don’t know any Cantonese, yat bun can be three different words [that I know of], all of them relatively common.

Yat bun = Japan

Yat bun = generally/normally

Yat bun = one half

My default ‘yat bun’ is Japan, I don’t know why. But when I actually want to talk about Japan, I will overthink it and usually say one of the other versions.

It’s all about tones. That’s where the difference lies.

If you’ve studied Cantonese for a while, and someone says all three ‘yat bun’ to you then you can probably tell the difference. Yet if you have to say it yourself…

Cantonese is a mind fuck.

You know, if you read Geronimo Stilton books in Cantonese they can actually seem decent.

By Cantonese, I mean traditional Chinese writing.

It took me seven weeks on and off to get through the one where Stilton goes into space to regain control of a bad guy’s satellite.

Seven weeks Continue reading

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Urdu Camper van [textbooks lie]

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By the end of this unit, you’ll be able to say

Amir

undercuts Urdu with

ballots of concern, debris spilling lung shaped, five ditch down, round up Ismails + Fatima + Callie’s Tanith Lee [the darker cut]

Fax left, stretch fur

Drench two heads, one higher than the other, debate John Hannah

with hidden numbers and

slippery oars

Contact SETA, if you have to

don’t fall for Cube

Hold onto Heinlein

Stretch more fur

attempt physic, call up

causative agent green

offer cheek

dry out the Romulan

slide along not down the fibreglass Continue reading

Star Trek Discovery // A Poem

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Part 1

What’s that room, what’s that room, what’s that room, what’s that room, what’s that room do, what’s in there, what’s it do, what’s that room, what’s inside, what, what’s inside, whoopi g? what’s that room, what’s that room, what’s that room, what’s in there,

Captain?

 

Part 2

Sentient textbook, shave in space, don’t like talk

Put it in the slut net

cowardly shit

 

Part 3

you’re soldiers now, 12 ship war, where’s earth? Where’s Chiba, where’s Mish? Turn left, stick with me, I’m half Belize, D at science, fuck first, sob fight later, where’s Sally B, you stole my knees, mourn that fool, we turned left yet? I’m fine, nice shirt, don’t apologise for holo-suite fun stains, scare Tracy.

 

Part 4

Asian cameo, comfy chair

Man, that’s the canteen

don’t go there

O Brien’s remembering things Continue reading

Gong Dung Wah

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Gong 2

Dung 1

Wah 2

 

In the man with 2 brains it only took two scenes before Doc Hfffrr found one whose brain he could replace, very fast, very efficient, and although Hong Kong wasn’t Austria, it was still human based and full of sleaze so I shadowed what Steve Martin did and went looking for a prostitute who a] wouldn’t be missed, b] was local and c] wouldn’t put up much of a fight when I drugged her and said, it’s okay, I’m not a perv, I just want to transfer your brain knowledge to my brain and, because you speak Cantonese and won’t be missed, it has to be you.

Sorry.

Mong Kok had lots of them, some Chinese, some Russian, all sitting on plastic bedsheets or killing time in the park.

How you could psyche yourself up to suck off those old guys from Yau Ma Tei, I had no idea, but I figured I wouldn’t need to worry about that even if I did have their brain.

I went up the stairwell with the pink neon sign and knocked on a door, hiding the syringe behind my back. I didn’t even know the Cantonese for ‘door’, that’s how bad it was, but never mind, I’d soon know it all, and the tones too.

The door opened and the woman spoke Mandarin, not Cantonese [I knew enough to know the difference], so I nodded and tried the next one. 8 doors on the whole floor and only one of them spoke Cantonese. I walked in and let her lead me to the shower and as soon as she turned her back I stabbed her with the syringe and went to work. It took 2 hours for the transfer, just like Avon said, and suddenly I could speak Cantonese, gutter Cantonese maybe, things like do you like it, do you really like it, are you sure you like it, time’s up etc. It was enough.

I leaned against the sink and stared at her thighs.

Then her face.

She was still out.

Then her neck.

Then her kneecaps.

Then her hai.

Everything seemed well-kept.

I pushed away from the sink and peered into the living/bed room.

There was a book on the floor, in Chinese, it said Pushkin ‘The Queen of Spades’, and, ah, god, not Pushkin, I knew what he wrote about, some of it, but my situation was different, she wasn’t rich, or lonely, or Russian, so it wasn’t the same at all, not even theme, not really. I would never pursue someone that coldly, look them in the eye, talk to them, watch veronica’s closet with them, stab them, I couldn’t, it was murder, mau sat, I’m no hong sao, I’ve got a syringe, had a syringe, he didn’t, he knew her, I didn’t, and mine’s still alive…maybe… Continue reading

Zelda: A [tenuous] Link to the Past

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Hate my life, hate my life, fucking village, fucking villagers, fucking village square, fucking castle, fucking king, I hate it, hate it, hate my life, fuck you mum, fuck you

‘Dad?’

I wake up, pixeled vision, and see the woodchopper packing his stuff and heading out to the castle.

‘Wait up, I wanna come too.’

‘Cannot.’

‘But I wanna.’

‘Back to bed. It’s not your story.’

‘The hell it isn’t,’ mumbles Link, getting back under the blanket long enough for the front and only door to close and his dad to get out of earshot.

Five seconds in all.

‘I’ve got your back, pa,’ Link shouts, throwing off the duvet and quickly putting on his Lincoln green costume. Before leaving, he grabs the wooden sword too, just in case dad’s staging a coup.

***

Outside the castle, it’s dark and thunderous and polystyrene like a star trek set. Luckily there are only four guards and they have no peripheral vision so, after slashing leaves off a few bushes, Link slips through a hole in the wall and into the castle. There’s no one about so he wanders around a bit until a street performer appears, throws some cheap smoke and warns Link that he will take over the whole kingdom unless three items are found and connected and, even then, it won’t be over cos he’s got the dark world concept up his sleeve.

‘Do what?’

‘You’ve got as long as you need though. No rush.’ Continue reading

DS9 Redux: His Way

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NOTE: This one’s quite long, quite sleazy and turns most Trek characters into pervs. Don’t read if the idea of Odo having sex upsets you.

——

Vic Fontaine stands on the same set used for Federation sex parties, singing slowly to a tedious beat. The musicians in the background look tired, as if they’ve been playing since Season 1.

Dax, Worf, Bashir, O’Brien, Kira, Odo, Worf, Dax, Worf, Bashir, Odo, Kira, Worf, O’Brien and Worf stand at the bar watching him.

Worf checks his watch, grimaces then leans over to Jadzia. ‘When does it end?’

Dax puts a finger to her mouth.

‘It’s been an hour already…’

‘Worf…quiet.’

‘How can one man sing for so long?’

Vic seems to notice the Klingon turning against him, and the song ends. He walks over and lets Bashir introduce him to everyone.

‘This is Dax and Worf…’

‘Hey…how long have you guys been married?’

Dax and Worf look surprised. ‘How did you know we were married?’ asks Worf.

‘Easy, when you’ve been around as long as I have, you notice things.’

Vic notices the Chief staring at a pretty extra nearby. ‘Hey, buddy, don’t worry…’

‘Huh?’

‘It’s okay to touch, just don’t let the wife catch you.’

The Chief nods. ‘I’ve waited so long for someone to say that…you know, I’ve been poking the same woman for eight seasons now.’ Continue reading