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IF IT’S 95, KILL IT

IF IT’S 85, KILL IT

IF IT’S 75, KILL IT

IF IT’S 65, 65’S A GOOD AGE, KILL IT

IF IT’S KEN LOACH-ESQUE, KILL IT

KILL HATE EDIT FLAY

VOTE ME

 MIKE

 

THIS ISN’T THE KIND OF ENERGY WE NEED

YOU PEASANT CUNT

VOTE MIKE

 

YOU SAY IT’S BAD, I SAY PRAGMATIC, DEFINITELY WOULD’VE DONE THE SAME IN LA, DETROIT, SPIKE LEE’S HOUSE, THAT’S WHERE THE COPS WERE, THAT’S WHERE THEY WERE, ALL OF THEM, WHAT CAN YOU DO, THAT’S WHERE THEY HAPPENED TO BE, THAT’S WHERE THEY WERE

I WENT TO TANZANIA ONCE

 

HERE’S THE PLAN:

KIDNAP BLACK PEOPLE

PUT THEM ON MARS

INSULATE

MAKE THEM WATCH IAN HOLM MOVIES

TELL THEM IAN HOLM FACTS

IAN HOLM LEFT ALL HIS MONEY TO GHANA

POOR PEOPLE IN GHANA

IAN HOLM LIKES RAP

IAN HOLM WOULD’VE VOTED FOR OPRAH

IAN HOLM LIKES MIKE

SHOW PICTURES OF MIKE

IAN HOLM AND MIKE

BLACK PEOPLE AND MIKE

I’M MIKE

MIKE CAN GET IT DONE

BRING THEM BACK HOME, THOSE BLACKS

THOSE MIKE-LIKING BLACKS

PUT THEM ON TV

ASK ABOUT MIKE

VOTE MIKE

 

IF YOU’VE GOT TIME FOR KISSINGER

VOTE MIKE

 

IF YOU’RE SCARED OF MEXICANS BUT FRIENDS WITH SANDOVAL,

VOTE MIKE

 

CAN WE JUST PICK HIM UP AND STICK HIM IN A TOKAMAK?

SAY HE HAD ANOTHER HEART ATTACK

COULD WE DO THAT?

VOTE MIKE

 

I’M SORRY

SO FUCKING SORRY

FOR NOT THROWING BEN DIXON OUT OF A HELICOPTER

NO

HEART ON SLEEVE

I’M SOOOO SORRY

I DIDN’T KNOW THEY’D FRISK EVERYONE

DIDN’T KNOW

NO ONE TOLD ME

I’M SORRY

GENUINELY, PUBLICLY SORRY

SORRY LIKE MODI

VOTE MIKE

 

LIKE MONEY?

VOTE MIKE

 

LIKE LITTLE WHITE MEN HAVING MONEY?

VOTE MIKE

 

SOCIALIST WORKS

DIRTY SOCIALIST

WANTS TO TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY

SPEND IT ON MADURO

BUY HIM A SEX PAD

I WON’T

VOTE MIKE

 

I TOOK A TEST ONLINE AND APPARENTLY I’M A DEMOCRAT

VOTE MIKE

 

A CRONE IN THE FOREST DRAINED THE BLOOD OF A CHICKEN ONTO A NIKE SHIRT AND TOLD ME I’M A DEMOCRAT

VOTE MIKE

 

I’M TIRED OF TERRORIZING BLACK PEOPLE

ON A MICRO LEVEL

VOTE MIKE

 

MARTIN LAWRENCE, ICE CUBE, BILL COSBY, HERMAN CAIN, WHAT’S-HIS-FACE

THEY’RE BLACK

I’VE MET THEM

VOTE MIKE

 

HEY YOU

MEXICAN

VOTE MIKE

 

I DIDN’T SAY THAT

THE BELL WHAT?

CHARLES WHO?

 

IF HE WINS

IF HE GETS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

I SWEAR TO GOD

WE’LL ALL END UP EATING SHIT AND FUCKING RATS

VOTE MIKE

 

IS THERE ANY POSSIBLE WAY I CAN WIN ALABAMA WITHOUT ACTUALLY GOING TO ALABAMA?

VOTE MIKE

 

FOR VP?

EITHER HILLARY OR EYADÉMA

VOTE MIKE

 

IN SOME CONTEXTS, FRISK IS QUITE A ROMANTIC WORD

EROTIC EVEN

VOTE MIKE

 

YOUNG BLACKS BEHAVE IMPECCABLY

I LOVE THEM

VOTE MIKE

 

COMMUNIST

DIRTY SNEAKY COMMUNIST

HATES AMERICA, HATES PEOPLE, HATES MONEY, HATES

WANTS TO FORCE ME ONTO A FARM

ME AND YOU ON A FARM

EXECUTIONS

ROMULAN COATS, PURGES

DIRTY PUBLIC TOILETS

DIRTY SUBWAY

DIRTY EVERYWHERE, STREETS, IN YOUR HOUSE

YOU WON’T HAVE A HOUSE

HE’LL GRAB IT, GIVE IT TO CHINA

NOT CHINA, IRAN, RUSSIA

CHINA’S GREAT

YOU SEEN THEIR TRAIN LINES?

VOTE MIKE

 

I WILL DO GREAT THINGS

GREAT THINGS WILL BE DONE [BY ME]

VOTE MIKE

 

MINORITIES HAVE BEEN SYSTEMICALLY ABUSED AND DISCRIMINATED AGAINST FOR DECADES AND

IF YOU GIVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY

I’D LIKE TO CONTINUE DOING IT

ON A NATIONAL SCALE

VOTE MIKE

 

SHIT

I’D DO IT IN CANADA TOO IF I COULD

THE UK

MARS

CERES

OORT CLOUD

GIVE ME A ROBOT BODY, SPACESHIP, GENERIC COPS

I’LL GO FOREVER, BABY

VOTE MIKE

 

IN 2625

WHEN HE THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE

HE RAN AGAIN

BADLY