* Warning: some bad language [and some nice language too]

Series One of the Next Generation always gets bad press, but is it really that terrible? Let’s look back and re-review:

–
1 – Encounter at Farpoint
After being refused entry to the Enterprise for lewd behaviour, First Officer Riker is ambushed and put on trial by an entity known as Q. For about two minutes. Then put in an oubliette. Meanwhile, an outpost with a population of around 200 applies to join the Federation yet is left puzzled by the stiffness of the new cast. Can they overcome the script and establish a trait?

–
2 – The Naked Now
The crew encounters a ship where everyone died from capitalist realism. Data theoretically fucks Lieutenant Yar for days. Wesley licks pages of Thus Spoke Zarathustra and ascends. Picard stews, ostensibly the captain. Will we ever truly escape hierarchy?

–
3 – Code of Racism
Tasha Yar is kidnapped by a planet of black aliens the writers can never be allowed to forget and forced to gymnastic someone to death. Worf and Geordi bite their respective tongues. Picard quotes Santa parts of MLK. Riker gets stuck into the extras. Crusher calls security when alien leader breathes nearby.

–
4 – The Last Outpost
While pursuing a Ferengi ship the Enterprise and its crew become trapped in a piss poor episode. Can they work with the crypto-ho Ferengi to free themselves from it? Will the Ferengi stop dancing around like monkeys? One of them’s Quark, I think.

–
5 – Where no man has gone before
After watching the last two episodes back to back, Picard attempts to salvage the series by allowing an alien on board who has the ability to carry the ship across the Universe with his forehead. Wesley moves onto God is Dead and begins to transcend to a more annoying level. Elsewhere on the ship, a 19th Century whaler pretends to be the chief engineer.

–
6 – Lonely among us
Worf hangs around with Geordi LaForge, the two of them figuring there’s more chance of screen time if they stick together. It works. A stroppy alien entity possesses Worf, but quickly slips away and latches onto Picard. Then the captain orders the ship into a dangerous nebula, forcing Riker and Troi to consider the only viable option – mutiny! [that or draw a picture of a fake nebula on the view-screen]

–
7 – Justice
After killing some flowers, Wesley Crusher is put on [very casual] trial and sentenced to death. Picard does his best to leave orbit asap, but the script calls him back. Can he find a way to sabotage Wesley’s appeal?
Co-starring William Sadler as the flowers.

–
8 – The Battle
Picard meets the Ferengi whose son he murdered 12 years earlier and accepts something that looks like a mind-controlling device as a gift. After keeping it in his room for the whole episode, Picard starts to act like some kind of device is controlling his mind. Can the crew save him before he does something dramatic? Is there some kind of device controlling his mind? What’s that thing in his room?

–
9 – Hide and Q
Picard is left small and impotent as Riker leads another episode. Q returns and offers all his powers to Riker, who uses them to save children from dying and turn Wesley into the bassist from Power Station.

–
10 – Haven
The Enterprise encounters a haven. Can they get out?

–
11 – The Big Goodbye
After a ship malfunction, Picard, Dr Crusher, Data and the ship’s anthro-apologist are trapped in a 20th Century Private Detective holodeck program with real gangsters and real guns. Can Picard play the game for real and keep himself, Data and the Doctor alive?

–
12 – Datalore
The Enterprise visits a planet and discovers a ‘brother’ of Data called Lore – so begins a litany of continuity errors that will plague the series for the rest of its run.

–
13 – Angel One
Tasha and Troi relax and do nothing in guest quarters on a planet run by women. Can they get out in time to watch Riker poke the planet’s Aryan despot?

–
14 – 1001000010000100001001
Riker discovers a woman on board he hasn’t slept with yet. Meanwhile, the crew leaves the ship to the cleaners, who seize control and head to Cardiff. It’s up to Picard and Riker, the only crew members left on board, to do something about it.

–
15

–
18

–
21

–
?

–
19 – Coming of Age
Realising the first half of the season is worse than Space Precinct, Picard, Troi and Data initiate a plan to skip to a half-decent episode. Wesley Crusher takes an exam where you can look at the other candidates’ answers, while the crew is investigated by a little padd pusher whose mandate is to uncover a vague conspiracy/aggravate the viewer.

–
20 – Heart of Glory
Fresh from the academy and having already pissed off Worf, Security officer Noriega is put to the test after two Klingons come on board and escape from their holding cell. Will his first week on the Enterprise also be his last?

–
21 – Arsenal of Freedom
Riker, Data and Tasha beam down to a planet that promotes weapons to potential buyers by trying to kill them. Meanwhile, Geordi takes control of the Enterprise and faces destruction at the hands of a super weapon [with no personality]. The Chief engineer of the week goes full sour when he doesn’t get to play captain, but it doesn’t matter, he’s still Chief Engineer, can’t take that away from him.

–
Trivia: First episode to show a black captain commanding the Enterprise [Geordi La Forge, when Picard and Riker are fucking around on the planet]. Also the first episode to show a black captain being patronised [when Picard comes back and feeds LaForge a dog biscuit].

–
22 – Symbiosis
The crew of the Enterprise are ordered to do an infomercial on drugs.
This is notable for being the only episode in any series of Star Trek to show a captain dipping the tip of his cock in cocaine.

–
23 – Skin of Evil
An oil slick endangers the safety of the Enterprise and its crew when it starts murdering them. Riker plays tough and attempts to eat it out. Tasha, confused by the cameras being so close, makes a dash for the background, but the slick gets her. Picard beams down to say ‘stop it’.

–
24 – Conspiracy
Picard is told by three other captains that the Federation is being taken over by an outside force – can he act in time to prevent it? You’ve got forty-two minutes, Picard…
Co-starring Jan Michael Vincent, Bruce Payne and Bruce Payne [in make-up] as the three captains.

–
25 – The Neutral Zone
A space-time anomaly appears out of nowhere and splices two spec scripts together – a group of 20th Century humans come out of cryo-sleep while the Romulans turn up and warn everyone they’re back. Picard tries to slide smoothly between the two.

–
Trivia: Marina Sirtis was sick during filming of this episode, so scenes of Troi from previous episodes were used whenever she was on the bridge. This explains why she calls one of the Romulans ‘mother’.

–
26 – Picard’s Dream
Picard dreams he is a 20th Century British actor stuck on an American TV show about a star ship captain who believes he is a 20th century British actor stuck on an American TV show about a star ship captain who has visions of an alien entity who lives inside a British actor on an American TV show about a star ship captain who spends half his time in the 20th century on an American TV show where he is a British actor playing a star ship captain who must stop his crew from becoming British actors on an American TV show by travelling back in time to the 20th century and building a star ship captain from props used on an American TV show about a British actor pretending to be a star ship captain who doesn’t realise that he is actually the 20th century on a TV show shown in America which is on the verge of being taken over by star ship captains who claim all reality is really an American TV show made by British actors who refuse to play star ship captains. Picard spends the episode trying to open the window in his quarters.

–
Trivia: This episode is often forgotten, even by Trekkies.