~~~

Chapter 1: A Visitor Calls

~~~

It was a cold, breezy, temperate, zealous, overly described morning on Baker Street when Sherlock Holmes.

“If I’m not mistaken, Watson.”

“But Holmes!”

Murderer of four husbands walked in and threw down two teabags, announcing a surprisingly tall man from the embassy of Japan.

The tall man walked in, bowing.

“Case.”

“You have come from the butchers in Dundee, recently fingered your stepdaughter, dabble in alchemy and have a fettered interest in ‘no hands’ pottery.”

‘But Holmes!”

“Case. Confusing. Help.”

“Say no more. Watson, call a taxi. Mrs Hudson, isolate.”

~~~

Chapter 2: A Pleasant Journey

~~~

Near Bordeaux

Stared at the tip of his pipe

Near Lisbon

gambled with Watson

Near Mauritania

Tutted at the blacks

Near Lagos

nice church

Near the Cape of Good Hope

Stared at what used to bend, resentful

Near Madagascar

Wanked over rare bee

In the Indian Ocean

Scraped off the grottiest of the wallpaper

In the games room

Near Sri Lanka

Watched young boys run from Arthur C Clarke

Near Bali

Struggled to breathe

Collapsed on top of Watson

Near Hong Kong

bit his tongue

Near Taiwan

worked on his Japanese

Near Yokohama

lurked under the rustiest of the metal stairs

As the ladies came down

In Yokohama

Said Konnichiwa

Poorly

~~~

Chapter 3: The Scene Of The Crime

~~~

“If I’m not mistaken, Watson, this man is a fop.”

“彼は野心的です。”

“Take us to the scene of the crime, sergeant.”

“子供たちは両親をより安く殺します。”

“Show me where the body was before you buried it.”

“これは邪悪な世界です。”

“And which of the servants has been malting recently?”

“あなた自身を救うために、あなたは最初にしばしば殺さなければなりません。”

“Did the victim often stare at new technologies?”

“ミキがすでにあなたを裏切った可能性があります。”

“When the time is right, Watson.”

“私はこれを恐れています。”

“Ignore him, he’s matter of fact.”

“私たちは自分たちが望むものを夢見ています。”

“Now for the tourist stuff.”

~~~

Chapter 4: Another Planet

~~~

Sherlock Holmes stroked his chin and

Shinjuku spinning gangster rap subdued guy in the back if you’re up for Odaiba artificial tits I’m up for that for more than that nothing in Shinagawa ‘cept janitor cum streaks floor sometimes you wan it you can get it force others how many in there per day Yuki who maybe won’t suck out your soul if you don’t know Japanese you don’t know Japanese that’s beginner hit balls at the net at teenage boys cut out the katakana loyalty test every single cop has a shower scene ya tomomi next door power plant patriotics can’t rape all the time zero fire big mutt Nakagami

landed on the pharaoh set deep in Soap Land

the 19 year old

Asami

if I’m saying it right.

“Tell me, young lady, have you been to the hospital, been tested?”

“あなたの嫉妬はあなたをだましません。”

“How many men?”

“あなたが私を健康で幸せにしてくれるのは本当です。”

“Gaman suru?”

“この幸せがあなたに背を向けるのを防ぐために私にできることは何もありません。”

“I’ll just lie down here then.”

“私をこの檻の中に入れておいてください。”

“Do you know what taxonomy means?”

“勇気があるなら、控えめに私を養ってください。”

“Bees tend to be more suicidal than wasps…”

“気持ちいい？”

“…but not all of them.”

“あなたはすでに私が泣くのを見ました。”

“Watson, what’s yours doing?”

“今、あなたは私の涙を楽しむことを学ばなければなりません。”

“This case is more conceptual than I first thought.”

“あなたは自分を私にとって神にしたのです。”

“Bounce, young lady, bounce.”

“しかし、あなたは神の義務を果たしたくありません。”

“Your face is remarkably symmetrical.”

“彼らは私と一緒にやりたいことが何でもできます。”

“Nande anata…become involved in this line of work?”

“私は気にしません。”

“Never underestimate a tanner.”

“しかし、あなたはまだ私を愛していると言ってください。”

“Watson, how do you make it leave?”

~~~

Chapter 5: A Neat Resolution

~~~

Telepathy didn’t get it done, nor did Astrometrics

so he explained

I

Am

Sherlock

Holmes

and that rogue is not dead

he’s in Soap Land

saw him last night

brain orbiting Neptune

asshole fingered by an expert

or fungered

as they say in New Zealand.

That’s right, sir, sirs,

the fiend’s very much alive

but will be dead in a month

No no no

no time for catechism

we’re leaving

this time on a military ship

come, Watson

my feet are ether

need to people-watch

measure general height

ensure we’re above the median in promotional stills

nice crate